Desire, Loss, and Just Having Faith│Alaska Wedding, Engagement, Portrait, Family, Senior Photographer

I want a baby. Yep, there, I said it. J and I have known for a very long time that we want a family and a big one at that.

I’ve struggled with writing this post for a few weeks now. I wasn’t sure about putting all of this out there, for everyone to read. I also wasn’t sure about posting this on my “business” blog and whether it was appropriate or not. If this were still my personal blog, then maybe I’d feel more comfortable…or maybe not. I finally decided that you know what? I’m an honest, open person. I’m an open book and have nothing to hide. I think that not posting, would be me censoring myself and that’s just not me.

Back in January I had a miscarriage. The feeling of loss and confusion that comes along with a miscarriage is indescribable. It’s something you can’t even imagine, until it happens to you, but when it does happen to you, you suddenly realize how many people around you have had one. When we told people about it, so many people told us that they in fact had one or their mom, sister, wife, or friend had experienced a similar loss as well.

Some people may think I’m crazy for posting this, others may think I’m brave. I’m not writing this to be controversial at all. I’m a talker and a writer, I tend to just put it all out there or write it all down, just so it’s not festering around in my head any more.

As I said, I want a baby. I’m not sure if it’s just my biologically clock ticking screaming at me or if it’s because I know what great parents we’ll be, probably a combination of both. I can’t wait to be pregnant again and to carry full term. Of course the first 3 months will be scary as hell and we’ll be holding our breath, hoping and praying all goes well.

I have friends who put their careers first, I have friends who want to “plan” having a baby so it fits into their schedule. I know people who want to “wait until the right time”. News flash – there never is an exact “right time”, you can’t “plan” a baby, and if you keep waiting, you’ll never have a baby or a family for that matter.

Now if you’re not ready mentally and emotionally, that I can definitely understand. Making the decision to bring a child into the world is a HUGE responsibility, not one to be taken lightly and one you surely need to be prepared for, but as we all know, sometimes the big man upstairs intervenes and has different plans for us than we expected.

I’m a firm believer in fate and that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we may not know or be able to see that reason while we’re in the thick of things, it may not even make sense or seem fair at the time. Believe me, when the miscarriage first happened I’d feel totally fine one minute and then be sobbing my eyes out the next (thanks hormones, you’re awesome). I just kept crying and telling J, “It’s not fair, I don’t understand.” But in retrospect, I truly appreciate that our bodies are smart enough to know when a pregnancy isn’t viable, even it means suffering through an incredible loss.

Do I still have times when I think about the miscarriage and get mad or frustrated or better yet broken hearted? Of course, but I have faith that everything happens for a reason. I also truly believe that it will happen exactly when it’s meant to for us. As much as my biological clock (and my mother-in-law) are adamant it happen RIGHT NOW, I know deep in my heart that when we’re meant to have a baby, we will and it’ll happen exactly as it’s meant to, when it’s meant to. That I know.

 

April 18, 2012 - 11:51 am

Jaime Clapp - Kristin! I admire your courage and your strength! I can’t imagine the heartache of what you’ve gone through but one thing is for sure. Everything does happen for a reason! Hang in there and I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

April 18, 2012 - 12:33 pm

Devan @ UnspokenGrief™ - I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you love and strength.

April 18, 2012 - 2:58 pm

Brandy - Girl, you KNOW how proud of you I am. You are absolutely amazing and I believe that by sharing this, you are going to help others. Macy and I send you massive amounts of love.

April 23, 2012 - 3:58 pm

Ashley Goodwin - Wow girl, I can’t even imagine.
Yes, you ARE brave for sharing, and I commend you, because like you said you’re not the only one to suffer such a loss and other’s will hopefully find strength in your strength! Keep the positivity flowing, and I can’t wait for the day that you guys start your beautiful family! xo

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